I endeavor to treat each relationship I have as a separate entity. How I feel and how I behave in each one is unique in each case. Who I am, my identity, stays the same.

I endeavor to stay present in each moment, no matter what is happening or how unpleasant it is. This includes the stupid plank. Ugh.

I endeavor to attend to my goals somehow every day.

I endeavor to make time for my spirituality and self care through daily movement.

(On that note--I really do not believe in the concept of "not enough time." Of course time is limited, there are only so many hours in a day. But I do believe after much time spent with people that we can make time for just about anything, and that what we make time for is a good indicator of what is important to us. I believe in energy--we can and do actively choose what we put our energy toward, and what we don't. Even by passively "not" doing something, we're making a clear energetic choice about that thing. When I notice myself spending my energy on things like too much computer time, I try to see what's going on for me that would cause me to make that choice. And also, to be compassionate about that with myself and try to make an active choice, whether it is to continue to goof off or to do something else.)

And of course, I endeavor to be more confident. Sometimes I am, sometimes it seems like the hardest goal I've ever set. Bah.

Most importantly--I'm headed out of town (AGAIN) to see Great Big Sea this week! I'm afeared for my wordcount, but utterly stoked to see the b'ys again. And this time, I will be without pain medication in my system, woo! Plus, extra writing time in San Diego, I hope, as my mom wants to stay an extra day and tool around. Hopefully I can talk her into dropping me at a beachside coffee shop for a couple hours :D

I thought I might cross post my thoughts on the Zen cards I pull here, because they fit well with my original intention for this journal as well.Zen card of the day: The Mind.
( The Mind )

I think this applies well to me, I'm a thinker by nature and sometimes it is good to remind myself that my thoughts /=me, and are really not that important in the grand scheme of things. 

**also, desertbell is giving away a tarot deck on the blog, so pop over and comment if you're interested in entering the drawing!

So desertbell invited me to contribute to her new tarot blog, Strength and the Star

I'm over there offering readings to anyone who requests one, so please drop me a note if you're interested. I'll post the reading over there, and desertbell will likely add her thoughts as well (two readers for the price of one free reader, woo!)

I was thinking I might try to pull a card once in a while from the Zen deck to talk about, since it isn't a traditional deck and the meanings will be different all together.

Cause you know, I needed a reason to procrastinate my NaNo planning. Heh.

I've noticed that music tends to come in waves in my life, I get attached to a song or seven that really sum up how I'm feeling right then. I thought, why not do a meme?

Rules: Pick ten songs that would be the soundtrack for the movie of your life for the last year. Explain, or don't, as you see fit. Links if you have them!

Half Way Up, Clint Black
The lyrics of this song straight up define my experience with movement and wellness.

Pain, Three Days Grace.
Not quite safe for work or moms. Fairly clear, was in a lot of pain there for a while. Plus, dirty.

Break Stuff, Limp Bizkit
SO NSFW, even bleeped like this stupid video is. But totally, totally totally.

Real World, Matchbox 20
Quit hassling me.

Someday, Rob Thomas
A Rob twofer, but this one had to go here.

Walk on the Moon, Great Big Sea
Kind of obvious. I'm alive, dudes.

Accidentally in Love, Counting Crows
Weird video...

Freeze Ray, Joss and co.
Don't you want to stop the world sometimes?

Come on Get Higher, Matt Nathanson

Consequence Free, Great Big Sea
You know this last one took a bit of thinking, but I think overall this year is well summed up by this song. Plus I was TRYING not to repeat another band, but GBS, well, what can I say? I love them the mostest.

That was fun! I bet I think of 10 more now that I've committed, sigh.

I love concerts, and I am so blessed to be able to see so many of my favorite bands. It helps that most of the bands I love are kind of obscure.

On the not obscure note, we're going to see Rob Thomas at the end of the month, and I'm totally stoked. His new album is sooooooo good, more on that later.

But even more exciting (to me), Great Big Sea is playing in San Diego on November 11th. I'm thinking I'm going to take B. up there for the night and come back the next morning. How fun does that sound? B. loves the B'ys, had a great time at the last show and I think he'll enjoy this one. I'm starting to get a bit shivery with excitement already. I've seen them several times and their concerts never, ever disappoint.

Now if only Dixie Chicks would come back around, I have some folks I'd like to go with this time around ;)

I'm still not quite where I want to be. My feet just aren't quite on the ground.

I fraking hate that.

It's almost October 1st, which means the NaNoWriMo boards are almost open for fresh business.

I'm so stoked this year for NaNo. I'm concerned about my lack of an outline, but otherwise I'm in love with my characters and plot. I hope it will evolve organically, given that I have a loose structure and an ending in mind (that is usually the sticky wicket).

Yeehaw!

In other news it turns out that getting some work done and forcing myself to stop moving and rest really helps the overwhelmed feelings go away. And remembering to get enough yoga in, which I have not done today. Bah. Maybe I'll take a walk later or something, move the muscles. Rest and relaxation and exercise don't seem to all fit into one day.

I have a doctor's appointment and a list of questions for her as long as my arm. I feel kinda bad since I only made the appointment for one thing, but it is hard to get in to see her and I have questions so too bad, she'll have to deal. At least none of these questions pertain to deadly conditions! Woo!

In final news happy late equinox! We're having a crowd at the house to celebrate the turn of the wheel and, you know, eat a lot. Think good thoughts for my pie crusts, because I've never made them from scratch and I'm a bit nervous. Okay a lot nervous. But hey, what's life without risk, especially pie-related risk?

I'm feeling awfully overwhelmed, and I can see it starting to affect the way I interact.  I don't like it.  I'm a rational person, damn it.

I think I need a vacation.  The one I had, while lovely and by the ocean, was just not what I had planned. 

Maybe I'll just put the covers over my head for a while.

Why hast thou forsaken me, Janet Napolitano?

www.azstarnet.com/sn/metro/309413.php

I'm going to California now, and for the first time I'm actually wishing the Terminator was my govenor.  Well, you know, from the second one not the first one.  Second movie Terminator would never deeply cut education funding!  He loves children!

www.collectedcurios.com/sequentialart.php

So far, number 530 is my favorite, but they're all hilarious. 

Keep following me around.  Must be in the air.  Can't complain really, good music.

Ugh I had a craptacular afternoon, and now I HAVE to write.  Oh well, at least I get to write teh naughty today!  Or at least, edit it.

It's here again, you know.  The air is getting the tiniest bit cooler, the days the tiniest bit shorter.  I can feel it coming, creeping up on little typewriter feet.  NaNoWriMo is on the way!  I can't wait.  I'm going to rule it like a goddess this year, too.  Damn it.

I will post more than once, it appears, because my brain is kind of off right now. Bliss.

So here is the complete and (I humbly say) AWESOME seekrit project:

( come hither )

Yeah. What she said. I'll have my non-chubbo wedding day just as soon as I get me some phen fen!!

In my life and my work, I've noticed something that I may or may not have stolen from someone else. I take no credit :)

I've noticed it takes two things to live a healthy life (as defined by me, anyway):

1. Radical honesty with self and trusted others
and
2. Loving kindness with self and trusted others

These two principles have really begun to guide my way through life. I can't always be honest with everyone, unfortunately, but I damn well am with the people I love and trust. And I expect the same from them. Lies by omission are still lies, hence why we call it "radical honesty," not just the regular kind. I've gotten to the point I can't even tolerate much self-deception, in myself and others. If you're lying to yourself, you're lying to everyone. And that kind of behavior shows through, and makes a person hard to trust. It makes a person say one thing and do another. I'm the first to try to be kind to someone, but I think that just isn't working for me all the time. I have to say how I feel, in a hopefully respectful and straightforward way, and hope the person on the other end understands.

Sometimes, I find my straightforwardness puts people off. I'm pretty much done caring about that. If you don't like what I have to say, move along. I'm not going to just blurt out whatever I want and hurt people, but if I think it is important, you can bet I'll say so.

I'm not kidding about the loving kindness part either. If you're honest all the time but forget to be loving with yourself, you're just as intolerable and unlikely to change. Growth and health is a dance between the two, careful steps. I tend to forget this, working hard on the honesty bit and ignoring the whole "love your flaws" bit. Sigh.

In related news, for the first time ever, I'm not brutally sore after a session with my trainer. Only a bit in my neck and shoulders from the extended sitting in hard convention chairs. Yay! Even my obliques survived the torture. I'm also like centimeters away from being able to grab my right foot for dancer pose. This is a silly thing to be excited about, but I'm just giddy. Doesn't take much, lol.

**eta: I just realized this looked like this was about us, desertbell but it's not even a little. It is another issue, the other big thing going on in my life. Heh.

My kids get cooler as they get older, I tell ya.

My oldest kid is 10, and generally your regular old 10 year old with a video game fixation and a, er, lack of love for schoolwork that some might regard as epic.  He never cleans his room and usually forgets anything not involving himself.  Typical 10 year old.

But he's not anything like typical, either.  He's amazingly compassionate and more generous than I was at 10.  He's thoughtful and funny and truly nice.  And wry and smart as hell.  It is easy to get lost in his ADD and forget how bright he is, but dang that kid is clever.

We're having houseguests with kids he's never met over the weekend.  He'll be at his dad's, and he not only offered up his room for the girls to sleep in, but also said he would find a bin of toys for them if they want and all the legos are free game as long as they don't break up what he's made.  I don't recall being so generous with my own space and things at that age.

He also compared Christianity to whittling today: "you know, things people do because they're bored."  AHAHAHAHAHA.  *wipes tear*  

Suddenly I'm so very proud of him and excited to see what kind of grown up he's going to be.  And a little sad, to be watching him really maturing into a human being.  Seems like I was just changing his diapers last week!

My four year old, however, is currently evil.  So there you go.

Our hotel room is quite posh, but there is one flaw that is kind of fun.  The bathroom door is on a track, which will slowly slide open as you do your business, until you are sitting directly across from a wide open door and a full length mirror.  Can't say I've ever watched myself pee in such detail before...

Also I've never been spontaneously talked to by so many men before.  Must be the pretty girl I'm with, how nice.

There has not been enough hot tubbage yet, though.  Must attend to that.

I find myself attracted to people, over and over, who faced shit down in their life.  People who had difficulties, or tragedies, or torture, and took a step up and said "no more.  I'm going to be in charge now, not the fear, not the bullshit, not the drama, not the pain."  People who, because of their history have made heinous mistakes and bad decisions.  And now they not only know better, they live better.  These are my very favorite people in the world. 

When someone can just stop in their self (and/or other)-destructive tracks, and turn their lives toward the light they want.  That is fucking awesome, and I mean that in the very strong and real sense of the word.  I am in awe of them, I feel stronger just to be near them.

It's like my life is being filled with role models of strength, confidence and passion of conviction.  I have to give the universe a thank you for that message :)  It's people like you, like catinthesun , like desertbell , like megarandom , and like daxhack  who make me want to be strong and brave too.  I love you guys!

In less sappy news, I'm going on vacation!  Woo!!!  Hot tub and hotel bar, here I come (as though I'm such a lush, lol).  Guess I should pack, or something.  Silly boy, stealing away all my time with fetch and carry quests and your lovely voice.  Bah. 

Do not take on projects that require beading.  Your beading looks like your four year old did it.

Avoid projects that require embroidery.  It isn't as bad as your beading, but pretty amateur hour-ish.

We won't discuss sewing, even sorry ass whip stitch.  Just don't.

Measuring and cutting aren't really strong suits either.

But, you can crochet just fine.  Carry on.

The beauty of mindfulness is that you get to experience all emotions with an intensity that you just wouldn't if you weren't paying attention.

When those emotions are difficult, this can be a struggle.  Certainly the last year has been proof of that for me, forcing myself to stay aware of all the anxiety and grief.  We're coming up on some unpleasant anniversaries too, which I'm sure will bring their own struggles.

What I've found lately, though, is that more and more the practice is paying off.  Specifically, when I feel happy now, I feel really. damn. happy.  I grin like a fool and laugh a lot and generally feel a weightless, pressureless space inside me.  Not a hole, but like sheer vast fullness that lights me up.

If you had asked me two years ago, was I happy, I'd say absolutely.  And I was, totally happy.  But I wasn't particularly  mindful in my life, just letting things happen and run by me and not making the conscious effort to really experience anything.  Happiness has a different quality now, a more expansive presence.

Not by coincidence, I find that the closer I move toward the things I want (that I've been afraid of), the happier I get.  Change is so hard, sometimes it is easy to get lost in the fear that things will never be the same again!  Oh noes!  It's easy to forget that things are never the same from one moment to the next, easy to forget that things always, always change.  I have a bad habit of wanting to hold on too tightly to things, even unhealthy things because they are familiar.  Some days all I can do is be mindful of this, and accepting.

Other days, lately, I can take a big step forward.  And be really. damn. happy.

side note: It doesn't hurt to have wonderful people in my life that I trust and adore making all this happiness possible.  desertbell I'm looking at you even though I know you think I mean something else.  I also mean that, of course, just not totally.

Why is it that no matter what community you are in, be it irl or online, there has to be one or two people that rain on the parade?

Do these people just sort of sit in wait for the opportunity to say something negative?

Random example:
On a community I read someone posted some pics from a dressing room area, taken by her boyfriend.  She was very proud of the outfits and confident, wanted to show off (it is a fashion community, so no big deviation there).  Haters come on with comments like "why was your bf allowed in the changing area, huh?"

I don't get it.  Maybe they were breaking rules, maybe the store allowed it.  Maybe the store was totally deserted that day, and no one cared.  Perhaps these people were totally disrespectful of other women trying stuff on, but do you know this for a fact?  Why is it even an issue to bring up right then?

I can see if these haters were, say, in the store and feeling uncomfortable about a man in the dressing room.  But a) this already happened and b) it has no bearing on the lives of said haters.  Why do they feel compelled to shit all over this woman's photoshoot, leave her with a nasty taste in her mouth when she was trying to share a positive experience?

I never, NEVER get involved in this kind of negativity on purpose.  Sometimes irl it happens where I have to become involved, but even then I try to keep myself as out of it as possible.  I certainly didn't post these thoughts to that community, and none of them will read here, most likely. I often seem like a lurker in some of my favorite places--again both irl and online--because I just refuse to wade into this kind of drama. 

I don't understand this compulsion to hate on others.  Do we really just want everyone to be miserable, or something?