I've started blogging as a writer again (er... I've started trying to be a writer again). That, and I've been doing so much personal work offline that online, it seems kind of silly. But I hate to let this meme go by without doing it. If you're looking for me, I'm mostly not here. I'm on twitter as @deserthooker, tumblr (mostly reblogging hilarious things) at deserthooker.tumblr.com, and my writer's blog, ameliajune.net. Not getting rid of this journal, not yet. But not here a whole lot, either.

Peace out!

Sometimes I cruise people's blogs, and I think "man, they had the same goals six  years ago that they do now. Do people ever really change or grow?" Then I get angsty--"have I grown at all? Have I met any of my goals?"

I think yes, actually. Which was a nice thing to contemplate, for a change.

Evidence:

I backed into someone yesterday in the school parking lot. Gave her my information, drove off. Was actually not bothered by it. Did not feel guilty past the very second it happened. Did not worry someone would be upset with me--including the victim of my misstep. That is fucking growth.

I have had several very unpleasant conversations with people in which they became emotionally volatile and I did not. I maintained my composure and stated my position with rational clarity. These are conversations I look back on and feel very good about, despite the discomfort. 

I feel happier, kind of all the time. Like my baseline went up about 10 points.

There are a lot of places I can think of where I'm still struggling. But these above things are HUGE. Things I never thought I could conquer--making mistakes without personal trauma, being able to engage in emotional spaces without losing myself--I have! That feels pretty damn good.

I started a Tumblr.  I still love you, LJ, but I need something that's easy to post to and integrates well with twitter for this particular project.  I will try to co-post but I don't know how yet...

http://deserthooker.tumblr.com/

It is not for blogging, but for my picture a day project.  We'll see how it goes!

I have a livejournal! Who knew? I do miss posting, but things have been... well I haven't wanted to say much more than I do in real life.  I talk about shit enough. 

Anyway, end of the year meme x6, I think?  Been doing them a while :D
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How to do it, without being a dick?

I mean, I understand that even if you set totally reasonable boundaries, others might perceive me as a dick.  But how can I manage my end?

I don't want to lie, but sometimes the truth is pretty harsh "well, I don't want you at xyz because you are abusive and mean, and while I've told you that and asked you not to be several times, you refuse to listen and continue to treat me and those I love like shit.  Therefore, you are not welcome in my home or at xyz event. Like ever."  Saying all that will NOT result in a happy time, but will probably result in the boundary being set.  And also, I'm not really interested in never seeing a person like this, just minimizing contact to acceptable levels for me.

This time I went with "well the event is small, so we're keeping the numbers small.  You can come to ONE OF THEM, and we'll let you know when that is."  Felt a little like lying, but it isn't untrue, I don't want 87 people at this event.

I know I have every right to set boundaries like this, but I still can't quite figure out how to do it well.

Also related: I really hate the part of me that gets upset every time I have to face this issue, because that part of me still believes everything they say is true about me, and everything they stand for is right and correct and the way I've grown up is just plain wrong.  And I'm a bad person.  I wish that part of me would FOADIAF. Srsly.

I'm just sick with worry about a friend who's out of touch. 

It's his right to be out of touch, and I respect that if that's what's happening.  

I just wish like hell he would let me know he's okay.

And I hope he knows that if he needs *anything at all*, we're here, and that we care about him very much.

*edit* YAY! He's at least alive.  And I still mean it--we're here if you need ANYTHING. 

I've been religious, and not religious, and somewhere in between, and also serene in the "not knowing" what I believe in.  I can't say I've ever understood the concept of faith as well as I do now, and this faith has nothing at all to do with religion.  Irony, I haz it.

There have been many times this year that my life as it is continued only because of faith (not as in, I wanted to die. As in, I could have made some drastic changes, but I didn't.)  I had no evidence at all that things were going to even out, no evidence of anything but further troubles.  I know logically and rationally that certain things are lifelong issues, and they don't just magically "go away" or "get better" because I really, really want them to.  I also know sometimes trauma hurts people so much that they are forever changed.  I know this is kind of vague, but I don't like talking about other people on my journal, I try to let them speak for themselves.  

Basically, in the end, my choices are made in faith, not logic.  I believe strongly in these choices, even if they seem kind of crazy to folks who don't understand them.  I have a strong, unwavering faith that eventually, things will work out.  It's been very bad, and I'm not at all guaranteed that it won't be bad again.  All I have now is faith.

I never realized what an intense experience faith is.  I suppose I understand religious folks more now.

I have thoughts on beauty. I'm not sure they're coherent.

My sweetie and I were discussing the various attributes of female beauty the other day. He pointed out some young ladies, old enough to be grown but not much older than that, wearing short plaid skirts and button down shirts, skinny but with breasts, blond shiny hair. etc. etc. Basically, they were pretty in the society-accepted sense of the word.  They had unlined faces, wore makeup such that it enhanced their wide eyes and deemphasized any blemishes they might have had. They might have worn heels, I don't remember.

I glanced, and was immediately bored with them (this is not their fault as people, let's take simply appearance here.)  I said as much, saying "eh, girls like that are a dime a dozen. I prefer women who look more like average, normal people."

He pointed out that I had contradicted myself--if a certain look is "a dime a dozen" then certainly there must be lots of "average, normal people" sporting such a look.  I can't remember what I said then, but I've been thinking about it a lot since--he was right, how can a certain type of "beauty" be both ubiquitous to me and yet uncommon in the people I actually meet on the street?

It took me a few weeks to really understand how both could be true, and then it hit me like a ton of "wow I'm kind of stupid" bricks. Of *course* those perfect blond beauties are a dime a dozen, because that is all we see. In magazines, in films, on buses, on television, everywhere I fucking look there are those people. Perfect small-sized but somehow bigger-breasted bodies, perfect skin, perfect shiny hair, perfectly shaped legs... I can go on and on.

There are tons of articles and videos about how magazines change people's images until they are nigh unrecognizable in the name of beauty (here's one).  I find it interesting that the tabloids all use candid pics of stars, in their jeans and junky tshirts, and the slick mags all use fancy photoshop/makeup/lighting/foundation garments. Clearly, only when stars are being bad--or worse, FAT!!!ZOMGBBQ--should they look like normal people with pimples and wrinkles and stuff.

I am assaulted visually by this very narrow, almost impossible ideal of "beauty" everywhere I fucking go.  So yeah, you know what? I'm bored with that.  If one of those girls had let her pimples fly, or her hair be less shiny (how much product did that take--dye, shampoo, conditioner, mousse or something, who knows what) I might have found her more appealing.

At the end of the day, I do NOT find the "tv" definition of beauty to meet my ideals. I'm not attracted to... really anyone who attempts to make him/herself conform to that standard. What do I see in a woman? Laugh lines. Plumpness. Glow that comes from joy, personal pride, inner wealth and beauty. Confidence. Stature. Grace (haha, so basically I'm attracted to the anti-me...)  Truthfully, the kind of conformity that produces dieting, overreliance on makeup and product and camera-perfect looks, and a lack of willingness to be unique is pretty much a turnoff for me.

Not every slim person falls into the comformity trap. Nor does every blond person, or everyone who wears makeup (shoot, I sometimes LOVE makeup, what a great way to express a personality).  However, there's a look, a type, and as soon as I see it, I'm bored.  I see it every day, dime a dozen.  Meh, that's not beauty, that's reproduction.

You know who's hot and famous?  Venus Williams.  Beth Ditto.  Amanda Palmer.  JK Rowling.  Kate Moening.  Margaret Cho. 

Mm, hot and smart.  My favorite combo.

So, I have this tarot blog.  Whoops.

I updated it today, talking about my new deck which I LOVE!

http://strengthandthestar.blogspot.com/2010/06/hey-post-shadowscapes.html

Bring the fortune and life of a past finished project up to the present. Document the current state and use of an object you have knitted or crocheted, whether it is the hat your sister wears to school almost every day, or a pair of socks you wore until they were full of hole. Or maybe that jumper that your did just didn’t like that much…

Most of my FOs become gifts, and often I have no idea how much people like/use/wear them.  I wracked my brain about what FO really gets a lot of use and wear and love and then it hit me...

The Jayne Hat.

The Jayne hat is another reason I learned to knit--after learning to crochet, I really wanted to make a Jayne hat but all the tutorials said that I should really learn to knit if I wanted to replicate it properly.  The hat was my first complete knitted object, and I learned a ton of skills just from that one project including double stranded knitting, ribbing, knitting in the round, color changing, decreasing (on dpns and at all), picking up stitches to add ear flaps, and making pom poms.

More importantly, I have so much fun wearing it!  I made two, just in time for Can't Stop the Serenity 2008.  We wore them to the show, and they were cunning. In December 2008 we grabbed one at the last minute for our trip to Disney and I wound up wearing it the entire time--it was freezing that year.  I was on blood thinners at the time and I was so cold I would have to go back to the hotel and sit in a hot bath to get warm.  Now, every time I'm stuck outside in the cold, I bring Jayne's hat along.

I get the best looks when wearing it, because that hat is uuuuuuugly.  Most people give me a wide berth when I wear it, which cracks me up.  Every once in a while another dyed-in-the-wool (hahaha wool) Browncoat will pull on my sleeve and compliment this particular FO, and show me their own Firefly gear--often handmade as well.

I don't like to have my picture taken, at all, but I have a picture of myself in that Jayne hat that I just love, taken on that same Disney trip:


Oh yes, I am a bad ass in my pompom hat, with my midget sidekick. 

That was a rough trip (we had fun, but I was really dependent on the husband for getting around then), and a rough time of life for us, and that crazy hat made things a little less dire.  That is what I remember when I wear it--life even at its worst is worth enjoying.

As for the current state of the hat--I'm pretty sure that fucker is indestructible.  It is knit with acrylic that is double stranded, so the wear and tear has been negligible so far.  If anything, maybe the pompom is a little loose on top.  I've since knit another one, donated to a CSTS event for auction.  It's warm, and it continues to bring me joy.  I think that I couldn't ask for anything more from an FO.