The DO level.

It’s the DO-HAVE-BE model. It goes like this:

“I will DO this thing.” (i.e., Lose weight) “So I can HAVE this other thing” (Self-Esteem) and I can BE this thing. (Confident.)

Starting right now, however, we’re gonna turn that around. We’re going to start at a deeper level:

The “BE” level.

The best order for creating positive change in your life is the BE-DO-HAVE model. This means you start from the BE level. When you begin changing on the BE level of your life, then the DO level and the HAVE level follow effortlessly.

When you start only on the DO level, then the blocks on the BE level will often become the obstacles you can’t overcome."

Weirdly, she chose my word as example, and I assure you I'm not at this confidence thing to lose weight.  Hardly.

I've spent the majority of my life feeling bad for how I feel.  I'm not perfect, I've done bad things in my past.  But I have a difficulty sorting out what is actually "bad" and what is someone else's idea of me being bad.  I've lived my life in accordance to other people's standards.  I've felt guilty for things that really, really, weren't mine to feel guilty about.  Manipulative folks who really didn't know any other way to be used me, frequently, because they read this lack of confidence in me.  Ew.  Ew ew ew.  I'm embarrassed to even type that, even though most everyone knows this about me.

I want to spend the year getting to know my own standards.  What is okay with me, what isn't?  Who do I deserve to keep in my life, and who is dragging down my vibrational level too far (note how this is different from it being their fault.  It isn't anyone else's fault that I lack confidence, and allow things that don't belong near me to remain.  Totally my fault there, and I ask no one else to change because of my lack of confidence.)  I want to know what relationships do for me, and what they don't, and where my boundaries really lie.  I want to be able to express that with clarity and a sincere lack of animosity on my part (can't control how they take it, of course).

I want to be confident in my marriage, which might be surprising to some but it isn't what you think.  It's something else, and I need that confidence to make it work.  My marriage is beautiful and believe me, I count that blessing every single day.  Frequently three to four times per day (oh, that's what she said).  We face some interesting challenges now that 2008 finally took the hint and ENDED, so even more than usual I need confidence by my side.

I intend to have the kind of confidence that squares my shoulders and allows me to look people in the eye.  I don't do that, I noticed--people I meet in doorways, the guy at the circle K, I avoid I contact.  WTF?  Why do I do that?  Lack of confidence that I even deserve my stupid ICEE?  Gah, that galls me.  I intend for my confidence to carry me through this year with grace and more importantly, dignity.  I intend my confidence to allow me to heal my body and capture joy whenever it happens to fly by me.  I intend to breathe with confidence that I can breathe, damn it, and to live with the confidence that my idea of right and wrong, good and bad, yes and no, are perfect and necessary for my life and the life of my family.

I expect I will hurt people's feelings sometimes, people who aren't used to my confidence levels being decent.  I wish people wouldn't get hurt when I am honest and open, but sometimes they do.  I expect that those who love me will love me, and respect my boundaries right from the start.  Really, those who love me already do.  I love them too :)

(Seekritly I want to find my confidence enough to write again, but I don't want to accidentally skip to "do" too quickly so I'll just leave it at that.)

Confidence.  It is already on my desk at work via sticky note, and will be written in my morning pages (more on that later), and I need to dry erase it on my bathroom mirror too.  It is in my soul and every time I have a chance to chose--confident or not, I square my shoulders and make it happen.  I intend to report here too, on times I notice it working.  Wish me confidence!